He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize