I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
