He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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