hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
