I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
