I just made out with a guy for $7.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
