i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
