So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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