We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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