God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
