tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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