never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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