I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
