There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
