In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
