Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
