great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
