How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
