does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
