I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
