so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
