I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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