Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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