you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
