I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
