FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
