i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
