My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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