96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
