I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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