I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Randomize
