just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
