yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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