I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
