So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
