why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
