I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
