I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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