Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
