Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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