Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
