Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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