yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
