there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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