Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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