Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
