The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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