He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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