I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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