My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize