i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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