Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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