i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
