why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
