well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
