I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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