i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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